


"I Almost Sent Your Mom A Dick Pic" Prompt

by markwatneyandensemble



Series: The Mulder-Should-Have-Known-Better Series [2]
Category: The X-Files
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-04-21 12:29:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14284953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/markwatneyandensemble/pseuds/markwatneyandensemble
Summary: again this was written an age ago but im still digging through my old crap





	"I Almost Sent Your Mom A Dick Pic" Prompt

**Author's Note:**

> again this was written an age ago but im still digging through my old crap

Scully’d been warning him for weeks that just “Scully” in his contacts was bomb waiting to go off. Especially since most of his contacts contained “Scully” in some form or another. And especially for a person who lacked as many technological skills as Mulder did.

And of course, he was Mulder, so he kept his contacts the way they were:

Maggie Scully  
Military Scully  
Scully  
Uber Scully

It was only a couple weeks till that bit him in the ass when Mulder woke up horny with Scully somehow missing.

After laying in bed for a while, contemplating where Scully could be and the fastest route to get her back, Mulder slowly extracted himself from the covers and pulled a haphazardly tossed robe off the floor. Itching his stubble, he made his way down the hall, past Will’s noticeably empty room and downstairs through an echoing house.

A note was left on the countertop, along with a cup of Scully’s immensely better coffee, though cold. While the coffee was warming up, he looked around the room for his glasses before locating them on the kitchen table just as the microwave beeped.

He took a long sip of his coffee as he read:

_“M-_

_Taking Will to Jack’s and then  
stopping in for brunch at Mom’s._

_-S”_  and a heart next to his initial.

He wondered how long ago she left and when she’d be back. With William at a friend’s house they could spend the entire day together. Literally.

He located his phone and texted to see when she would get home. 

 _Delivered 10:38 am._ It remained that way for a while. 

As the morning wore on, Mulder began to get even more impatient. Why wasn’t she answering?

He continued to message her throughout the morning. Slowly the texts changed theme from casual arrival inquiry to filthy innuendo filled messages he prayed she wouldn’t kill him over.

He considered calling, but knowing Scully, if she wasn’t able to answer a text, it was because she was busy and a call would be useless. And to be honest, he was having too much fun with the texts.

It was almost an hour later when he was sprawled out on their bed naked, almost begging her to drop everything and come back when he considered another tactic.

And on that fateful Saturday morning, Fox Mulder took his first dick pic.

 

 

 

While far from an expert when it came to technology, Mulder was almost certain he knew it wasn’t that hard a procedure. Take the picture. Send it to Scully with an innocent comment and hope it turns her on enough not to strangle him when she got home.

Take the picture.  
_“We miss you, Scully.”_  
What could go wrong?

Admittedly, he was slightly nervous sending it to begin with, but that fear increased exponentially when he watched the picture send and he casually read the other texts on the thread.

_“Can you pick Will up from school  
today, both Dana and I have appointments?”_

_“Sure, what time does he get out?”_

_“Three. Thanks, Maggie.”_

Maggie.

Holy shit.  _Maggie_.

He recalled the last few seconds. He’d typed in Scully and tapped the first one.

Fuck.

Oh, holy fuck.

For the full seven seconds as the “sending” bar reached full, Mulder could nearly feel himself dying and began planning his own funeral. Maggie. He was sending it to Maggie. The sweetest, greatest woman on the planet who somehow managed to keep from strangling him the first time they met, and every time after that. And he just sent her a picture that his wife wouldn’t appreciate, let alone his mother-in-law if she saw it.

But just as Mulder ascended towards the light at the end of the tunnel, there came a little red beacon of hope that flashed on the screen.

_Not delivered._

Mulder proceeded as if he were diffusing a bomb.

His hands shaking, he set the phone on the bed and leaned over it, wanting desperately not to mess anything else up. This was the last chance.

He tapped on the exclamation mark and a bubble popped up that almost threw him across the room in terror.

_“Error sending. Try again?”_

NO NO NO NO NO.

He cautiously tapped “cancel” and tried to delete the picture all together.  _That worked. Right?_

Despite his relief that the message was gone, his entire body was shaking and he needed to make absolutely sure that nothing got sent.

So, praying his perfect woman would take pity on him in his pathetic, lonely Saturday morning state, Mulder opened the phone app and dialed Scully. The real Scully.

“Oh, so he resorts to calling just barely now?" 

"Scully-”

“So, Mulder, is this phone call going to be distasteful innuendos?”

“Kind of,” he mumbled.

“What?”

“Scully… can you get to your mom’s phone?”

“What do you mean? The landline?”

“No, her cellphone.”

“I mean, yeah? What is it, Mulder?” Her formerly cheerful voice now was filled with concern.

He took a deep breath. “Before I tell you this, I need to remind you that the nearest divorce attorney’s office is closed on the weekend.”

“What is it, Mulder?”

“And also, I should start this story by telling you that you were right. You were absolutely, one hundred percent right, Scully. I should have listened. That’ll make you feel better, right?”

“The point, Mulder?”

“I kind of… Almost… Kind of almost… sent a dick pic to your mom.”

There was tangible silence for what Mulder counted was a minute and twelve seconds. It was only then that he got up the courage to speak again.

“Scully?”

“Was it… was it a good picture?”

“What?”

“You know? Like did it accurately depict-”

“Scully?!”

“I just wanna make sure your reputation is intact while you get exiled from the family.”

“Thats not funny, Scully. Can you please get to the phone?” he practically whined over the line.

There was shuffling and finally Scully’s voice came back. “I got it. Password… got it.”

“Do you see it?”

“Uhhh... No. I don't think so. Aside from a hell of a lot of cat pictures she sends you, there seems to be nothing.”

The breath he exhaled could have knocked down a brick house. “Thank god.” He collapsed onto the bed.

“Now, Mulder. Are you going to tell me what you mean by ‘almost sent a-” she began whispering, “dick pic, to my mother?’”

“I was trying to send it to you.”

“I’d be worried if you weren’t. It was your 'Scully’ contact wasn’t it?”

“I already told you you were right.”

“You should change it to 'Mildly Amused Scully Who Saves Your Ass'.”

“I’m doing it as we speak.” Maybe she wouldn’t kill him after all.

“Mulder, I have to go. But, ah, I’ll see you when I get home.” He could almost feel her grinning at him over the line as it disconnected.

Every burden once sat on his shoulders was now gone, and Mulder lay back and stretched over the empty bed, letting the phone slip from his hands.

On the other side of town, Scully hung up with her dork, grinning, and trying to come up with excuses to leave early.

 

 


End file.
